January 19th, 6:58 PM
trying this out, rambling on and on about nothing is kinda my thing to be honest.
thinking about, i self-victimize myself way too often for my own good. and that kinda sucks, because a lot of the time, the incidents that push me to hating the way i am is almost very minor or something i shouldnt worry about too much. i feel im almost guilt tripping in a way, even though im really just being open. it's a weird inbetween feeling i have every time i have bouts of self-depreciation especially after moments like that, and i dont really know what to do it. i dont really know what to do with myself either, to be honest. i always feel as if people should just ignore me, and i mean, most people do irl, but the fact that i as a person have friends somehow confuses me even though i rightfully deserve them is indictivative of something im not sure how to describe, but i know it's something to do with.. well, me. i need to calm down my anger as well, i know ive been getting undeservely angry at my friends for a long time now, and i get stuck in this smart-ass mode where i act as if i know everything, or - and i hate looking back at this, me acting as if im the authority on things. because im not. i dont know why i act like i do sometimes. it just makes me look like a bad person. my mom says this about me most of the time we have an argument. maybe she's right to an extent.. i dont really know. im just a teenager, after all. i do feel like i act as if the world just revolves around me, but i could have just inhabitated these traits from her.
i dont really have the motivation to do things anymore. ive been too jaded nowadays to try anything and i feel like my life is just going downhill subtly in the background. it sucks.. making music and talking to my friends is still fun, but i feel numb a lot or just tired.. i feel like a background character at most in people's lives, not really important at all.. even if that's wrong to think so